I'M AM NOT ROCK AND ROLL

I'm doing sudoku in the dressing room whilst listening to the breeders

this is fucking awesome.

Pushed over the moon into a hole (Ohhh fat)

FLIP HECK

We watched Terminators 1 2 and 3 in the FUCKING VAN WE DROVE IN

ONE NIGHT

The hotel was ok and I just had CHIPS FOR DINNER

YESTERDAY the hotel was TOO NICE and the room was BIGGER than and BETTER THAN my own flat

DAMN!

It had a motherfucking HI-FI

and COFFEE BAGSZ!

But then instead I HAD DINNER

Which was chicken

I think - with some VEGETABLESZ and then a strange dessert

made of cream

I think

ugh

it was nice

but uth

I mean "ugh"

I'M GONNA GIVE UP (or at least try and stay away from) WHEAT

Because I've gone fat all of a sudden

and I don't like all the chub-ness-ness of me

Flabby gross face and I want to DOOO something about it

I want to do a more exercise (which is hard when you are a tour but then it will be over-o)

and eat BETTER

even though I don't eat much

I think I eat a bunch of crap

and it IS TACKING ITS TOLLLLLLL ON MY FACE AND GUT AND TITTTTTES

Shiny New Feelers

Right alright didn't we just come all to COLOGNE right now where we jive like some dickholes and last night we played some music to people

OH EXCITING

But I happened upon beer and then beer and again beer until it took my fancy that I would be a dancer for the evening

to techno

and then to dub

which I thought I liked for about 5 minutes

then remembered I THINK IT GHASTLY

Then went into the room of TECHNO again

but in the dub room went DANCEHALL

which was betternessitude

but only through some beer

But then a MISTAKE of watching two hours of simpsons

Came out of the telly

early in the morning

and I had to get up

early in the morning.

Now I'm in Cologne and it's cold

the support band are A BIT SHIT

We're gonna play

THIS BLOG IS BORING!

Onanamu?

NO!

BORED! as all this gloom o' time o' yeer comes raging downhill with a flag that says SORRY I'M LATE
and it's frustration see what that I can see thru other people's BLOGS what all you do feel the bloody same, NA?! YEH! That we all wanna change and see this clean green-tint lite fresh air away from the beef-stock jerk-air moanin' thru the nite
and i wake up
each day
and for the love of god I can't think of any reason to get outta my fuckin' bed
until I have an obligation to do so
no schedule or anything, no routine that's real to speak of, which is ok, or so it USED to be ok, ok?
Sick to bloody death of my stinkin' flat o'DEATH sick to the back face of these stre-stre-streeeeets I trundle aroun' on, glarin agape at the sky thinkin' good-sweet-damn if I keep staring I'll get wet eyed
'cause the SKY is a crushin' thud of a cracked up drone what smashes my spirit to shreds and my sick shitty flat is the warm place with quietiness and that's a whole bowl of wack
so-does-I-go-agoraphobic?
Maybe being superfuckinskint is some kind of lead from it
if I could at least afford to keep myself in coffee and socks I could at least trundle up n down some roads without the "what's the point" feeling gurning away my churn of guts the whole time
and maybe the blisters on my feet
or how gosh-damn awkward I feel everytime I leave the house

Whatevum
it all yells
GREEN-HOLY-CHANGE
at me
Gonna go away on tour w/beak
don't reeeeeally care that much
that band's stolen so much of my time
and I've got content with it
and grown contemptuous thru it
so i've got slack
and mouldy
beefstockbrownair pervades thru the whole god-damn thing

It's no priority
but it pays.
Shucks

I felt excited, got offered a show
thinking about colours for records
each an arc of a wing of some neutral deity
Enuff of the label
need some others
who gives a shit eh.
Hmm.
Someplace.

Sketch and scheme
but i always talk of change
it's scary
but it's ok if it's slow
but damn I need it.
I have to LEARN and I have to DO and I have to BE and I can't STOP be STILL with things and maybe I need a better SOCIAL LIFE? but then again maybe I don't... i've cut off hundereds (NOT LITERALLY) this year and haven't had any avenues a-freshness a-open despite the yearn

but the yearn's a-healthy
Nietzsche had it rite
struggle + get BETTER
rather than avoid it all
to stay out of difffffffffcklty

I don't wanna waaaaaaaaaaaaaaste my time!
What's the point in relaxing?!
C'monnnn let's DO!

Charlie Laughed for 6 minutes straight after thinking about dragons last night.
She yelled FOX at a fox and I laughed all the way around the corner.

HAR DY FUCKING HAR (and it was funny)

The Bristol Music Scene, as it stands today

Oh

I am in portugal though. It's fucking ace
Even though it has started SHITTING IT DOWN OUTSIDE
It's been warm enough to wear a t shirt at night
outside
in November
for fuck's sake.
How cool is that?
Saturday nights are much of a muchness I think everywhere, can barely move down this fucking narrow streets.

Still.
This place is super rad.
I got ratarsed for free last night and stayed up til half 5 having a conversation about god-knows-what-I've-forgotten anyway with a total stranger (I think I shouted NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL at him and he made me sit down and taaaaaaaaaaalk.)
I like having CONVERSATIONS with people.

Bleh and The Blahs

Cack shows:
Always send me off into some crappy spiral of doubt and negative bullshit thoughts
Tho they seem real enough at the time, always get into some feeling of "what's the smegging point?" kinda thoughts, all useless and then the worse kinda thoughts of "Feh, you can all just do this without me, fuck it I'm gonna go live on a rock somewhere isolated, fuck the LOT of you"
And feel hated and introverted

Even if people love it
or whatevum

Getting away from the scene is always a good step I suppose, though it does mean mulling around in bad-jive thoughts for longer periods of time...
Gluh, I always feel like a useless prick who ain't good at fuck all when it goes down like this
feels like the other music I make (which is infinitely less important to me, maybe that's why it doesn't hurt when it crashes) mocks me and goes "Just give up, fuck, why are you even in our bands?"

I come online to find that people are people are complete dicks.
The surprising thing is that I was surprised at that. I KNEW that already.

I have a startling distaste/distrust/dislike/diswhatever for all people except for my nearst and dearst (very few, but they are awesome...)

Bleh. I am an inadequate waste *from my p.o.v

I just wanna go to bed.
I broke into a hostel to come online.
I could probably get away with sleeping here.
But I have to pack up my embarrassment .

Winnering

Winning because I found "Endless Coming into Life" by Black Boned Angel for a fiver in head/zavvi/virgin, whatever it's called.

Since I last BORED YOU TO DEATH, I have been trudging round, back to normal life, and haven't really been sat still an awful lot, and when I have I've had a pen in my hand or some words in front of me, or I've been making Link run around and chop people up, so I've been ok.

Tonight my funpunkprog mess of a band are playing an unrehearsed gig, which are usually the more fun ones, and my parents are eating a dinner together in a restaurant which I am SABOTAGING by being there. I mean... free food, dude.

Gonna upload some newness onto myspace and try and get some more shows for me, and some for MOJ, and some for Y! too..

When I get a fair amount of time on here I'll start my other blogs that nobody will read.

Christ's Pieces

Word then.
So on the way to London, I got in an argument with an old lady on the train, because I put my suitcase in front of the seat next to me. The train had hardly anybody on it and she could have sat on the other table, which had one person sat at it with no (cumbersome) luggage.
Old people are worse than young people sometimes for being argumentative aggro twats. The same situation applies that you can't say anything to them (heaven forfend you open your god-damned mouth in fear that they might have a consumption fit and die... well, I mean, that was what I was hoping would happen).
She sat down and I think she just wanted to complain, tutted "Oh my, the world certainly has changed" whilst looking right at me, hunched over reading the paper and minding my fucking own..

Yes. Of course the world has fucking changed you atavistic shrivelled old cunt. That's what it DOES. Should be grateful, don't know they're born, hanging's too good etc.
The punchline was that she thought I should have offered her the seat. The seat was empty, so I can only assume she meant my seat. Why? On a half-empty train?
People confuse the fuck out of me sometimes.

I voyaged to secondlayer to spend the voucher bestowed upon my by the awesomeness of romijijijijijijijijijniewifelovething and stocked up on some riotous wild music (skeleton skull blogspot will start when I get back, reviews ETC) then went to Camden and was confused so I bought a cd by PRE and a cd by The Hickey Underground who I know nothing about apart from they know a good riff or two.

Went to Oto to see Audrey Chen, an improv Cellist with a Laptop duder, a percussionist and a guitarist.
It was kinda cool, though it all seemed like they weren't playing TOGETHER, just all at the same time.
Audrey scraped and twanged her cello and gurgled and burped and howled and wailed, I think it would have been better if it was just her on her own.
The percussionist was amazing scattershot ping ding blam kinda smaksmak drums, had crotales all oer his drums, just a floor tom and a snare. The only problem was he very very very rarely let up, and kind covered the whole show with his mark, again, would be nice to see him on his own.
The laptop guy seemed to be feeding the whole live thing through some processing, and then playing it back at almost inaudible volumes thru an amp, and the guitarist just kind of.... fizzed... quietly in the corner.

Now I am staying at the mighty Horatio Pollard's place, sleeping next to a mixing desk. There was only one other place I did that, and that was uncomfortable. I am on a sofa. This is of particular interest, because it isn't. There.

Tomorrow I am totally all up ons with two museum trips, which is ace 'cause it means I get to be frugal, and as beak are playing rough trade on Wednesday, I thought I'd better save my czash for then...

My back hurts from leaning over and lugging stuff. It's late and I've been awake too long, which means I'm going to go to fucking sleep. NOW. Well. Soon. INTERESTING!

When I get back home I shall impliment a vague routine and some ch-ch-ch-changes in the hope of some freshness of mind and not going fucking insane this winter.
Keepbusyordie, y'know?

Two shows

1) was last night in the basement of MAISON DU MORT ET MERDE
Blackmetal/tazartes/kraut/drone/throb

2) was tonight in Cambridge, power-ambient noisepop.

That's it... I really want a third show in London, but ALAS it is proven impossible to get a lastminute jobber on the go.... (lame)

I would REALLY like to meet that utter bellcastle cunt and stab his fucking throat off.
Cunt.
And then I'd like to stab the other two, but only if they were behind him.
Mostly right now I just want to kick his eyes into Wales.

Hot Combo

Today I went to the psychologist, ate some burgers then I got bitten by a dog with tunabreath. These were three good things.

Kopfschmertzen

It feels like days ago right that I was at practice, all full of last night's fish and feeling FUCKING RAD. Somewhere around the time when that funny thing in the sky, well you couldn't see it anymore so all the light went dark and the air went colder, then I went with it see...

Inexplicable moodswings lately, for no real reason other than maybe perhaps, "IT GOT DARK OUT", seems to trigger it a little. I dunno.

I was scowling at my sneakers and being unable to win at Zelda and not being friends with my hi-fi (shorthand: Havin' a Sulk) and thought that walking to my parents' house to steal their food would do me THRICENESS good..

Goodth 1) The walk is good exersize
Goodth 2) The walk will clear my head
Goodth 3) I want to steal their soup and eat it

There was no soup, apart from some that went out of date 9 years ago, so I had tunafish on bread. Exciting. Almost as exciting as the marmalade what done followed it.
The walk didn't really clear my head, though it did clarify a little point that's been following me and stabbing me in the back of the BRANE for the past few weeks, which is
"Totally fuck i think I MIGHT just be going slightly out of my fucking skull with going mad and that".

I've said this before, but I need me some massive changes going on, as I'm sick to bloody death of MOST of my life (though some of my life is bloody awesome, thankyouverymuch)... hell, I've been saying this for the past 5 years now! I should do something about it. Sometime. Instead of groaning on the internet forever and ever til my arms come off or something..

If I go away, sometimes I feel actually sick to be coming back to Bristol, to my smegness of a deathflat (even though it's been tidied up and that, it's still utter smeg), to a dead-town of dead-tones with a scene I cannot even begin to tolerate. There's no shows, and not an awfae lot to do... The shows that DO happen is a room full of people I know and most of the time do not want to talk to. Spleh.

Long cunty rant short, I just want to keep BUSY rather than holding on to my time for too long, or waiting for the OK GO from various slo slo slo slo channels, I want to keep learning stuff (I haven't felt like I've learned anything in ages now, that makes my mind feel all foggy and useless), I want to keep DOING stuff, but it seems sometimes impossible to muster up the energy to get out of bed sometimes (vicious circle, I sleep later because there's nothing to get up for, sometimes there's just no point)

Anyway, I've eaten the fish and the bread and the marmalade, and now I'm having a cup of tea, a coffee will follow, and I will trudge home knowing that my sanity might be slowly oozing out of my ears with all the wax.

Last night I had a tinned fish overdose. Two cans of mackerel and a tin of anchovies.
I woke up feeling fucking great.

I keep getting ideas for things to write about, whilst I'm NOT sat at a computer.
Pfeh! That's what twitter is for I suppose, but I can't be doing with that JUST YET...

"Spleh" I said and hurried.

I am only going to post when my head is clear. It is not clear today, so I won't post. Except for this post saying that I won't post under foggy conditions. I just don't want to write about panic attacks all the time like I used to, I'm bored of that.

I wanted to write about hardcore today, but I won't, I will write about that another time. The end bye.

(rememble 2)

"I pie god be and seee" - because I wrote it on a wall the other day and liked it.

The sound of stuff happening

Today was my first solo show proper since July... it's been fucking ages and I've been shiiiiiiiitting myself. It went well. I made a racket. I enjoyed myself and then I played a song.
I stole a whole crate of Vitamin Water from the rider. I will go back tomorrow.

I was also more nervous than usual because I was waiting for my loooooooove with butterflies in my GUTS. I went to spillers and bought something that drones and something that noise-rocks, and then walked around listening to neither. I was listening to Noveller who is very good. The end.

ice cream headache. No ice cream.

It's sunny! I want to get out and DO STUFF, but I'm skint. I might go and sit someplace and draw a little bit of stuff, avec headphonesz.... I SHOULD do that really.
Ok, well that's my day until my dad comes to shovel up my gear so I can practice for tomorrow and then I see the one of TOTAL LITE.

(rememble)

Sende Mi, Sende Mi, Gidiyorsun sende mi! Ben Sana, doyamidim. Cildirmamak elde mi. Bu Kalbim yaniyor, algiyor, acior. Eger Beni goturmeszen, birak atese koy beni...

5:22 am

Yeppp... as per usual crummy weather sleeping pattern. Earlier today when I woke up it was raining outside. I couldn't be bothered to get up if the weather sucked, so I went back to sleep. I'm a fucking genius.

New shit for real shit

Totally.
A new typeface and new day (In so much trouble)
Wanted to start some new blog with a shred more anonymity, for a while at least...

What's my life?
Right now:
I work on things musical and scribblesome...
(Finishing albums and writing more, some shows, some shows)
I have a wonderful indie-rock wife who I love to pieces
(she is amazing and I am e'er so grateful to be hers)
I still hate the winter and I still hate this town
(it sucks, and most people here suck too, hence the blog of nobodyknowsme)
I recently did an orchestral piece which bummed me out for ages because I thought it sucked but changed my mind when I heard a rough recording of the show and now I think for what it is it's good (though some things could have been better, but I'll save that for next time, RIGHT?)

Babble. Complete and utter babble. Drivel. Pixel-snot.

What I want:
More work to do
My brain to work right (I am seeing a psychologist, but I don't just mean work in that sense, I mean I want to learn shit)
Get my shit together (home recording/cash/moods)
More going around places (hopefully a large chunk of that with indierockawesomeness)
Type without brackets (they just feel so necessary right now)
Avoid most people.

All doable shit.

Hopefully if I write more here, I'll actually write THINGS as opposed to dreary lists (as opposed to GOOD lists, which I like) and "goals". Not this time tho. Just for starters and shit.
Who am I kidding?

Bring on the deluge of constant text bile.