Friday 16 April 2010
Thursday 1 April 2010
Fingering all of my face
Shoved them in my ears and my eyes and my nose and my gob and in my nose and everywhere else on my face again. I have a sodding cold and sodding insomnia again
Monday night saw me staying up way past Daniel P Carter's ROCK SHWEO ON RADEIO OEN
(I like to pretend I'm a teenagedface still, and sometimes he plays good things, he played a rad-as-your-mum's-tablecloths Shellac track that I'd never heard before recently, and also it kind of serves as 'research' into the meta(L) album I'm doing, shows me why I hate most of it)
and lying awake from 3am til 8am, chewing my own jaw out of place in frustration.
8am saw that it was too cold to leave my festering quarkpile of a bedsit, but too late to give in to any idea of sleeping because it would just screw me about and I'd be mad as a house about waking up WAY TOO LATE, so I read a book from cover to cover, I don't know if I understood any of it, but it seemed to work and had me sat all chainy-smokered and a quarry of coffee and a cup of whiskey til 12, where I then ate a part of an ostrich and stayed awake until the next bedtime.
IT DID NOT GO WELL
It took me two hours of shifting around on a fucked up back (the right shoulderblade, anatomically geographic fact 'fans'!) to get to sleep in the first place, maybe kept myself awake by dribbling and babbling about osleepysleepyoyesicannywaitohyessyyessyndeedallseepyinthesleepyoh, but when I FINALLY got there, I dreamed that my brain was trapped online. I thought it was real, and my brain was trying over and over again to refresh a page on thequietus.com and failing every time.
When I woke up (after one hour of horrible frustrated sleep) I felt very puzzled and dry and convinced myself I was going to die. I promtly did just this after swallowing a cupful of crushed hemlock and found myself trapped in a wooden toilet cubicle, outside which were 'THE DEAD', who were waiting to induct me into my new and wonderful life full of opportunities as a corpse.
I didn't realise I was dreaming and this scared the shit out of me.
Woke up later with a nose full of green concrete and a throat full of children. Also my hair was sweating. I remained utterly monged out for the remainder of the day, which led to being dazed, which turned itself into a sweaty reamer of panic and fear and all the usual self-hate and self-doubt bollocks that seems to dance around with party poppers inside my head, LAUGHING AND CAVORTING AND HAVING A GAY OLDE TIEM UP IN THEAH whenevum it gets him the opportunity to do so. I would like to squash him with my thumb, if my thumb were a lobotomy.
I tried to walk off the fuzzy sheets of YOU ARE A DOOMED LOSER AND EVERYONE WINS MUCH BETTER THAN YUO, which didn't work, returned home UTTERLY KNACKERED and immersed myself in distractions and thought about random number generators and how random they are (in terms of Final Fantasy VII) in actuality.
The same goddamn thing happened, I went to bed at 3, lay awake seething until 7 until I had no say in the matter and was 'treated' to a mansize cumshot of somnolence, which was exactly what I didn't really want (TOO LATE), which led me to wake up today MAD AS A HOUSE for waking up too close to the next bedtime.
I hate wasting my time.
Monday night saw me staying up way past Daniel P Carter's ROCK SHWEO ON RADEIO OEN
(I like to pretend I'm a teenagedface still, and sometimes he plays good things, he played a rad-as-your-mum's-tablecloths Shellac track that I'd never heard before recently, and also it kind of serves as 'research' into the meta(L) album I'm doing, shows me why I hate most of it)
and lying awake from 3am til 8am, chewing my own jaw out of place in frustration.
8am saw that it was too cold to leave my festering quarkpile of a bedsit, but too late to give in to any idea of sleeping because it would just screw me about and I'd be mad as a house about waking up WAY TOO LATE, so I read a book from cover to cover, I don't know if I understood any of it, but it seemed to work and had me sat all chainy-smokered and a quarry of coffee and a cup of whiskey til 12, where I then ate a part of an ostrich and stayed awake until the next bedtime.
IT DID NOT GO WELL
It took me two hours of shifting around on a fucked up back (the right shoulderblade, anatomically geographic fact 'fans'!) to get to sleep in the first place, maybe kept myself awake by dribbling and babbling about osleepysleepyoyesicannywaitohyessyyessyndeedallseepyinthesleepyoh, but when I FINALLY got there, I dreamed that my brain was trapped online. I thought it was real, and my brain was trying over and over again to refresh a page on thequietus.com and failing every time.
When I woke up (after one hour of horrible frustrated sleep) I felt very puzzled and dry and convinced myself I was going to die. I promtly did just this after swallowing a cupful of crushed hemlock and found myself trapped in a wooden toilet cubicle, outside which were 'THE DEAD', who were waiting to induct me into my new and wonderful life full of opportunities as a corpse.
I didn't realise I was dreaming and this scared the shit out of me.
Woke up later with a nose full of green concrete and a throat full of children. Also my hair was sweating. I remained utterly monged out for the remainder of the day, which led to being dazed, which turned itself into a sweaty reamer of panic and fear and all the usual self-hate and self-doubt bollocks that seems to dance around with party poppers inside my head, LAUGHING AND CAVORTING AND HAVING A GAY OLDE TIEM UP IN THEAH whenevum it gets him the opportunity to do so. I would like to squash him with my thumb, if my thumb were a lobotomy.
I tried to walk off the fuzzy sheets of YOU ARE A DOOMED LOSER AND EVERYONE WINS MUCH BETTER THAN YUO, which didn't work, returned home UTTERLY KNACKERED and immersed myself in distractions and thought about random number generators and how random they are (in terms of Final Fantasy VII) in actuality.
The same goddamn thing happened, I went to bed at 3, lay awake seething until 7 until I had no say in the matter and was 'treated' to a mansize cumshot of somnolence, which was exactly what I didn't really want (TOO LATE), which led me to wake up today MAD AS A HOUSE for waking up too close to the next bedtime.
I hate wasting my time.
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